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Diary of a one cold summer night.
Saturday, August 22, 2015 | 0Superstar (s)!

Dear diary,

I know it's been a while. I never wanted to write this stuff down but I don't want to say it out loud either. The thing is, my heart is breaking and I hate it. I feel miserable, depressed, lonely but most of all I'm hurt. Part of me just want to end it but it will just make me a loser so I need to find a way through this, no matter what it takes.

Time check: 12:40 AM, wide awake catching up 2 season of the TV series which keeping me busy all along after that sudden heartbreaking "change of heart" of the man I've been waiting to be with for 1 year and 9 months. The man whom I never expected to fall in love with after being "friendzoned" for almost 8 years. The man whom I offer my heart and soul. The man who literally turned my world upside down. The man who plans to see me after conquering the waves of different oceans and transfer from one port to another until he touched down into the island of the Philippines. The man  who promises to make love with me until the break of dawn but all he did is to break his promises and turned his back on me. 

Here I am, left alone questioning what went wrong. Because I thought everything is fine between us. He made me believe that when he came back, Totoy and Nene will be together again. But I was wrong about that. He just hurt me. Left me haunted with all our memories. I end up back reading our old bbm, viber and exchange of text messages. Picturing the first time I saw him. The look of his face... his smile, his alluring eyes that made me fall. Reminiscing our skype conversations, the laughters and the desire to be together again. Remembering the taste of our first kiss which made me believe Lucy Withmore of the movie 50 First Dates played by Drew Barrymore when she said that, "Nothing beats first kiss." It's been 2 years since then but I can still cherish how it feels, how it taste. That was so sweet, so passionate. I missed it! The conversations, us being together, the kisses, the cuddles and all the memories we've been through. I missed everything about him! So much and it sucks!

Crazy isn't it. Yeah, maybe I'm crazy... crazy to still feel this way for him, to care for him. I know this ain't do good. But what can I do? Nothing but feel this pain over and over again. It's summer but I feel so cold and melancholic. This is one of the nights wherein I can't hide my tears anymore even if I tried so hard not to make it fall. I cannot help but cry my heart out. Maybe this is what I really need right this very moment. Honor my pain, cry, burst it all out until it hurts no more. I know this won't last forever. I'll get over it one step at a time. Just give me some time to grief. Swear, I need it badly. One day, my summer won't be as cold as it is tonight. When the right time comes, I will be free from this heartaches and will be able to put back my broken heart's pieces together again. As they say, time heals all wounds. I'm gonna hold on to that.

xoxo,
Jadie

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I'm Jen'Lein Jade Larosa Guan, a writer and poet by heart, artistic, creative, intuitive, imaginative, drama queen... always in the midst of soul searching, blogger, a certified FOODaholic.


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