It was June 2004, (can’t remember the exact date) when I first met him. I was in college then. He was my classmate and eventually he became my friend… one of my so called “barkadas.” He even became one of my group mates in some of our school projects. We ate lunch together, shared different things like life stories, experiences, jokes and secrets. N o wonder why we became closer. He’s really such a nice and sweet person. As time passed by, I started to like him, given the fact that there is something “different” about him. There’s this big “possibility,” but I didn’t mind it. What I cared for is my feelings for him.

Yes, I admit! I fell in love to this classmate/friend of mine. This is not my first time to fall in love… so I know that what I feel for him is real. The feeling of being in loved is probably the feeling everybody dreams to feel, everyone’s wish not to relinquish and nobody craves not to experience. No matter how I ignore it, the feeling is like a robber that I never expected to come. In spite of the circumstance, I still chose to love him. I know that I’m willing to take all the risks.

Then my friends knew about it. They started teasing me on him until such time that I can’t hide my feelings for him… it was too obvious. Somehow he had an idea of what’s going on. I think that’s the reason why he joined other barkada. Maybe because we can’t stand to be with each other anymore… we became uncomfortable being together. I was so sad when he walked away… seeing him having happy moments with his new company makes me feel lonely. I wished I never let others knew about my feelings for him so that things would never turned out this way. I missed the days we shared together. I missed the talks, the laughter… his hands holding mine. (Hay!) How I wished I could turn back time. I stop blaming myself for what happened. All I can do now is accept the fact that things aren’t the same anymore. I have to live with it. And so, that’s what I did.

I just became contented staring at him whenever he’s around and knowing that he’s not aware of it. Exchanging simple “Hi” and “Hello” every time we crossed our paths. That was from second year to early months of third year. For whatever reason, the scenario doesn’t change my feelings for him. I still liked him… loved him as much as I could.
During third year, my fate became so nice to me. My barkadas and his barkadas merged together. It came to the point that we ate our lunch together again. It wasn’t easy for me to be with him “again.” I’m quite nervous and too shy to approach him. But with the help and support of my super friends things started to change. Step by step I learned how to deal with him. It wasn’t so easy but my efforts somehow changed my relationship with him… I think that time I can consider myself as his friend and not just a girl who he knew before. Then, I had the opportunity to be there for him every time he needs me. I did a lot of things for him (I don’t have to mention all those things… he knew about it… and he already thanked me for everything). It’s my way of showing him how much I care. It was well appreciated but it doesn’t change the fact that he’s not in love with me. (It caused a lot of tears!)

We also became housemates during our OJT at ABS-CBN.I was so glad to see him every time I go to sleep and wake up in the morning. Living together helped me to discover a lot of things we have in common. We watched movie together… listened to our favorite songs together (through AJ’s laptop). One of it was 365 days by Lutricia McNeal… (It was one of my favorites, actually) then I woke up one morning and I heard him singing that song… and then the next morning… the following morning… and so on. I don’t know the exact reason why he started singing that song… does he like it? Maybe, ‘coz it’s really a nice song. I loved it more because of him… he even sang it while he’s in the shower. There are times that we caught each other singing the same song. (haha… funny di ba?)
Hmmm… what else? There are so many unforgettable moments that we had together. I just don’t want to elaborate the whole story. There are happy moments and sad moments (most especially when the “possibility” came out to be real). It broke my heart but I just can’t stop loving him. Like what I’ve said I’m willing to take the risks… I’m willing to accept everything. I may sound so stupid… call me crazy… call me blind… what can I do? I really love this man. Despite of his imperfections I have loved him with all sincerity… with all my heart. I asked for a lot of signs… I prayed to God… I wished upon the stars… I hoped and assumed that he will feel the same way too.

He confessed… revealed the “possibility”… I cried a lot but still refused to let go. I talked to him and told him how much I love and care for him and that I’m always here for him… he just say “sorry” and then hugged me. It made me feel better. At least I let him know… and I will never have any regrets of not telling him so. Few months to go before our graduation day, I was thinking how my life will be without him. I wished college life won’t end… but I have no choice… we have to face a new world… a new chapter in our lives. Finally, graduation day came; I will never forget the moment he told me… “I love you!” (It wasn’t personal… my cousin just asked him to give me a video recorded message… I was so surprised when I watched the video… teary-eyed… shocked and happy). Up to now I don’t know the real meaning behind that message. I don’t want to put all my hopes on those three words because maybe it doesn’t mean anything to him. I don’t want to be so assuming… it might break my heart again and again. Yeah! I’m used to it, but still I have to limit myself… know the difference between reality and fantasy. Haha!

And the reality includes the fact that:
1. He doesn’t love me.
2. He’s in love with somebody else!
3. We’re not meant for each other,
4. No matter how I wish and pray for it… things just can’t turn out the way I want it to be. (because you know… the “possibility” is not just a “possibility”… it’s the truth and nothing but the truth! Got it?!)

These are just some of the many reasons why I really need to let go my feelings and move on. So much hurt… so much pain. It’s too much! God has a better plan for me… a better love story and the best man for me. Maybe if he’s not in that situation now… if he can be the man he should be… if he had an option… if he could change the circumstance… I think, I will be one he will choose to love. (Okay jade, convinced yourself… pamaplubag loob ba ito?) I just want to let him know now that even if I choose to move on… I will always be his friend… always here for him… accept and support him in whatever decision he will make. Also, I want to thank him for all the memories that we have shared together. Thanks for letting me love him!

Labels: -Drama Mode, -Love Story, -Something Personal

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